Your honor, “anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. ” (Erma Bombeck) I hereby submit that I be absolved from all liabilities/ claims if any from whichever parties in this hereafter report of the virtual football match case that took place on 30th December 2018 in a foreign gold field between Dronesville’s residents and foreigner ex-cannibals opponents.
My name is Gracie Dronesville, of indeterminable age being an orphan pup discarded at the entrance to Dronesville, profession guard dog, now mascot dog for the Dronesville Virtual Football Club. I agreed to a cameo appearance holographically but was instead compelled to watch the whole three games of football played by the worst ever teams I had witnessed in my entire doggie’s life! What a cruelty to a law abiding harmless domestic animal! I beg your pardon? Sorry, I need to rephrase the description of the teams? No personal attack? Noted your honor. Why were three games played? Because there was no undisputed score on either side! What did the referees do? Well, they were disqualified by the king within the first ten minutes. Why were the ladies referees disqualified? I imagine it’s something to do with their drawing all the attention from the men players your honor. Who were the replacement referees? As no-one else knew about the working of the virtual game the king decreed that the German-French Gen.Z kid and I the Dronesville’s dog stood in.
(Burst of uncontrollable laughter in the tech-know court followed by repeated sounds of the judge’s mallet)
You can’t hear me clearly your honor? That’s why I am standing here claiming medical, dental, cosmetic and psychological compensation! I have lost my two incisors and a third of my well-maintained coat in the most vicious game I have ever been! What? You cannot understand how I could have got physical damage in a virtual game? Haven’t you heard of the latest hyperloop capsule? What kind of tech-know court judge are you? I beg your pardon? I am sorry your honor for questioning your qualification. No you are not the problem. Point noted.
(More stifled sniggering and laughters)
Yes your honor I will hereafter continue succinctly. So after the cameo virtual appearance here I was minding my own business in the park patrolling as a good Dronesville dog does, and this drone with adaptive morphology capabilities allowing it to fold mid-flight suddenly appeared. I dashed into my compact hideout but it changed its shape to fly through the small space. It grasped me and transported me to the hyperloop station where they compressed and capsuled me into an instant pot. What? Not an instant pot or I should have said marinated me and cooked me if it was an instant pot? How am I to know the correct terminology? Anyway, to cut the story short they transmitted me instantly to the gold football field, I mean, the gold virtual football game room.
How was the game? Surely by looking at the sorry sight of this live canine specimen you would have easily deduced, good or bad, subject to your perspective on what they mean to you. You can’t deduce? You want opinion and not facts as evidenced by my physical and mental condition? Opinion it is. In my humble opinion the match was between unequals to the max. One team literally slaughtered the other. It was disastrous, a total wipeout. Nobody played by the rule. Pure anarchy. Cannibals!
Who? No, not the ex-cannibals, they played civilly by the book your honor. Who else? The spectators of course. Not our Dronesville’s nerd supporters of course. It’s the home team’s spectators. They decided to replace the players and hack the whole game. The flash mob. From where? we don’t know your honor. They just arrived from nowhere. Dressed like the real hunter-cannibals. They thought I was the game instead of the virtual football.
How did I escape? Your honor I have to give credit to my former owner, the Dronesville millennial nerd. He almost gave his life to save me from the instant pot. No, nobody was eaten. I was the only edible creature according to their modern custom nowadays. No he is not here to give witness today. The last I heard was that he has made his great escape soon after the near tragic event. They found an abandoned foldable robot in the gold dune with the AI voice assistant SiZu keeping to her right to remain silent.
Captain Romano? He got away safely during the flash mob’s invasion. Did he conspire with them in the first place? I don’t know your honor. Did my former owner, the millennial nerd get his gold? He got his share of gold alright. No penalty. The king had had such a hilarious time (and rumor was that he had an immensely monetarily rewarding time too as the game was successfully channeled with viral responses to his private online gaming network all over the globe) and was so pleased with the successful launching of his high tech game room that he decided to reward all foreign alas only human participants including the two honorary German-French referees cum gold investors and the Gen.Z mascot kid from his royal gold treasury.
Who was the final winner? What? So obvious. Here is the tip for the new year if you are thinking of changing profession: the richest people on earth are in tech.
Happy tech-know New Year 2019!
(Applause with standing ovation)
Monday December 31